A story

I am unhealthy. I knew that. I always have been unhealthy with a serious aversion to exercise. In highschool I had to run the 1600 metres. I did it, spent a lot of the time walking but I really pushed myself. At the end of the race I felt nauseous, my heart was racing and I collapsed. That was my last proper running experience. From there on I skipped PE lessons where possible, didn’t do any of the cross country events and was generally good at avoiding those lessons.

Every PE lesson we had to run once around the school field which was approx 400 metres. We did netball and that was my favourite sport to play. I was fucking awesome at it. No one could beat me and Charlotte as GA and GS team. Anyways, the term that we had netball I got fit enough to be able to run the 400 metres without stopping. I wanted to die but I could do it.

Today I went out for a run. I was up at 6:30 am, got dressed and was out. It was raining but not cold. Our house was so hot that I hadn’t been able to sleep. I was also plagued by a dream of something that has been bugging me for a long time.

My boyfriend is an awesome snowboarder. He’s been to Canada twice, various places in Europe and is going again in March. I tried going snowboarding with him a few years ago and although I did okay I wasn’t fit enough. I didn’t have the stamina to keep going and got exhausted so quickly. I couldn’t go from a sitting position with a snowboard on my feet to standing and I was generally crap.

I find this really difficult to write so bear with me.

It breaks my heart to think that Ben loves this hobby and will continue to do it regardless of whether I join him in it (and rightly so.) This means he spends all his money on snowboarding holidays that I can’t really go on. So I’m worried that years down the line he’ll be going on holiday more with his friends than with me rather than all of us together.

I was sort of dealing with this and just losing weight until last week Ben’s mum suggested that she would take us and Ben’s little brother to Canada for some snowboarding. I could’ve cried. That’s really not something I would want to miss out on. I had a dream last night of watching Ben and his 11 year old bro snowboarding around the Milton Keynes snowdome and me feeling completely left out.

So this morning I mad a resolve not to just lose weight but to get fit. I am going to run to incream my stamina, I’m going to practice getting to my feet from sitting and I’m going to win at this. As soon as I am under 14 stone I am going to start having private lessons again.

This is so difficult.

I wish I could really explain how much not being able to join Ben in snowboarding hurts. It’s heart wrenching. I get jealous that he gets these awesome holidays that I always miss out on.

I’m going to be thin and I’m going to be fit.

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